Speaking to a very good, very close online friend who I’d not spoken to in ages (for a few reasons, mainly cutting down on messenger in a big way) brought out a very interesting personal look at myself, as it always seems to do. The following is taken from this conversation and I’ve added some stuff to it.
I’ve been a bit all over the place in the last two weeks lost the focus a bit but I seem to have got it back again. I speak to another filmmaker through forums who seems to help me, though only I can help me. But the thing is that this guy doesn't know all the facts really, I mean the way I live, this situation, is bound to cause problems, there’s a awful lot on my plate.
To be honest though here...I have highs and lows on some things. The highs are me in my studio getting to the point in my animation where I suddenly go "yes, this is working!...this is WORTH it!" the lows are when I suddenly realise that the years have gone by and I've missed out on other types of happyness...a sort of missing out of other fun, having a second girlfriend (and no thats not two at once...LOL), enjoying life with other people the same age as me and having a laugh, going to the cinema, going to the pub, playing pool. I get so into making films though that this has gone out the window, the time is and has gone past unbelivably fast, and while I'm only reminded of these other types of happiness occasionally I am pretty happy...i tend to forget and go back to making my film. The city life you see was full of too many distrations I think...I've also always been sombody who gets addicted to things very easyly, there was too much alcahhol drinking and socialising done by me when I was there in the city. of course its all about disapline. I think though that living on your own (which I was doing at the time) was tough, and perhaps if there was more purpose (which there most definitely is now that I know I'm a director (at the time I didn't really)(in fact finding out that I was seemed to be tough to cope with also)
As your changing your life, a momentary change can do this, evoke a blip of depression, one day of big change can get you quite down suddenly. It’s hard to explain but its to do with one day of interaction with people outside of your own world (of which you've got use to being in for months) its like...."oh look some people"...and..."oh I'm having a good time OUT of my own little world". you go back home and bang it hits you, that your missing people in your life...It gets down to my love of people, which you forget about if you don’t stick your head up once in a while.
I now force myself to go out there basically, because the more I don’t interact with people the worse it is when you come to interacting with them. Very important that you make yourself do these things.
But there’s this horrible thing going on with people not liking long hair out in the world...that happens. They seem to fear it. But then I do have quite striking eyes, by that I mean that they perhaps intimidate people, so its perhaps a combination of my eyes and hair that’s causing some problems.