MENTAL MELTDOWN

Ok, prepare for whining attack!

I’m experiencing at the moment what can only be described is some sort of very bad burnout. I think there’s multiple meanings behind the word burnout...but my one at the moment is, that I’m just really mentally and physically tired...exhausted. You see I find the technical aspects of the project very draining...I’m by no means a fast worker when it comes to the technical stuff...some people are BANG BANG BANG...I’M DONE!...but I’ve never been like that, I’ve always been slow with the technical stuff...I’ll spend forty eight hours focusing intensely on trying to figure out how to fix a problem and sometimes never get it figured out...some of my problems I’ve *still* not sorted out after seven years.

I’m really very fast at other things...lighting, camera work, editing and concept design...it’s kinda strange that its like that, but I spose its how I’m wired. In the hypothetical situation of me working for a big company, I would most likely be in one of those areas and the project would be far more efficient...I understand that, I GET it. But there is a deep determination and stubbornness / arrogance in me that wont let go of the INDEPENDENT filmmaking / no budget role / commanding of the army of the eleven Michael Dowswell’s on suicide mission. I’m like the jack russell that wont let go of the squeaky toy.

I’ve got two major projects going...While they Slept (its not had any work done on it in ages but needs attention and I WANT to give it some attention badly...I did today, I opened up some files and had a go at tinkering with one of the shots)...it’s a project I’m actually quite proud of I think. Its certainly been received quite well which helps you feel better about what you do.

I changed the monitor height so that it was on a huge box, so that I had to physically stand at the computer...this lasted two weeks and four days (I’ve just gone back to sitting now today because I believe it was making me feel even more exhausted...My left hand is quite has gone strange with veins that are very see through poking up through the skin, and this is because I keep putting my hand down on the desk while I’m standing...it can get really quite sensitive.

I had damaged my legs from the sitting room chair. The chairs down here I have a tendency to sit on my feet and get pins and needles all day...which i do not know if that has any perminant damage but I'm told it doesn't)

But what was really horrible was that I’ve been getting times where I’ve got very apathetic towards my animation...which is unlike me. This is a tiredness problem and you start to go weird when your very tired...because I know myself with 100% certainty that I love making these films.

I could go on further but I need a rest here. I’m sure that if I go outside and get air...and do some gardening that I might get some clear brain therapy. I think fresh air is important and I don’t get enough of it.