A very close dear friend of mine phoned up today (who I’ve not spoken to in over five years now) and I was really quite shakey / shaken for a while / really hyped up after the phone conversation...it really did shake me to the core, and I’m still right now, right this minute, very restless and cant stop thinking...was very nervous on the phone which means I go very quiet...
NOTE: It reminds me instantly of radio, if somebody stops talking the silences are very, very long...allthough I did notice it in a Charlie Kaufman podcast interview and it didn;t bother me there, but I think that was down to the fact that there was background sound of the cafe they were in...but also because you knew they were actually sitting at a table talking to each other face to face.
...I think there was a lot of confusion on the telephone, although it's impossible to say for sure...I tend to fall apart on the phone, but wish I wouldn't in retrospect, because it is one of the most wonderful inventions ever made to man. I wish I could make it work for me though, and I think if done more often I would get better at it perhaps...everything gets back round to confidence.
NOTE: I don’t want this to be taken the wrong way...I loved the phone conversation and how it really hit me like a ton of bricks...because it opens up my problems...I become aware of them again (I know the problems...but, I forget about them...and they have a way of getting worse without me knowing about it...but better after things like this) when people make me think and remind me of my problems I have nothing but respect for them...and feel very lucky to be part of knowing such great people.
The conversation reminded me of my past, of how independent I was in my flat...and made me aware of my current situation (living at home with parents) and how your independence isn’t too good in this situation, but you get use to it, you get completely use to it, because people being the amazing things that they are, adapt.
Also, I don’t go outside into the world very often...I use to, but you get use to not doing it...it's interesting, but you get a shock when somebody who’s enjoyed life and who's made a huge impression on you all your life appears again, because you suddenly realise in a shock moment that you’ve been wasting yours.
There's much more to life than just making animations / documentaries...
...I know this because I've expierienced little bits and pieces of the good stuff that is out there...the pivotal moments in your life where you discover who you are...these are with you forever and are so powerful a memory that they can be triggered off in conversations you wouldn't usually go into because you have kinda somehow got into a very reclusive lifestyle.
It makes matters all the more frustrating that you’ve experienced small amounts of amazing things...by that I mean two weeks of intence joy...because you now know how special that stuff is...you have some context?...and you now also have somthing to relate to when seeing / hearing other things...these experiences however are very precious to me and would not trade them for anything in the world. At least I experienced something...or, at least I tried...but it's the not trying again for so long that can get to me. It’s the fact that you've experienced these great things that it's possible for you to be so tortured in the present.
The grass is always greener though, isn’t it?
There seems to be hardly any time in a entire persons life...it shoots by at a incredible speed...and I believe that there are too many things to do and not enough time.
But I’m one of these people who loses myself in something, I'm susceptible to getting addicted to things and losing track of time completely for years...and then usually I get shaken up like this from time to time inside the decade by friends who have a way of being honest and incredibly direct into your core.
Some people are so incredibly amazing and really poke around in your core, in a matter of minutes they have raised a number of very powerful poignant points that leave you having to go on a huge verbal diarrhoea session with whoever's in your closest proximity. In this case, my mother got the gibbering...or was I talking intelligibly?...and I actually felt drunk too, with no alcohol.
The thing is I use to have a house, yes quite a big flat with no mortgage on it at all, I lived there on my own for two years, got into a real mess, and then went back home. You see home for all its faults has one major advantage, and that is your around people, it's something that I think is vitally important in life, that your around people... to simply balance things out a bit. Our house is quite large and my parents are both very complicated people and I dont really want to go into too much here too fast, it's hard to explain without writing some sort of book on it...and maybe hard for other people to understand who've not got parents like mine.
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